A passionate relationship has long been touted as a healthy one but experts say “companionate” love is actually the kind to aim for.
Arthur C. Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and best-selling author (arthurbrooks.com), believes that a love based on best friendship should be the goal, particularly for parents.
“As parents will know, kids take up lots of time, which often leaves little time for the ‘passionate love’ you were used to in, say, your early-to-mid twenties,” Brooks told Newsweek.
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Speaking on Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck podcast, Brooks explained that passionate love tends to happen at the beginning of a relationship when couples are neurochemically bonding to each other.
Brooks told Newsweek that this might feel like “utter bliss” when you’re together and heartache when apart.
You may have also experienced moments of jealousy or intense arguments, only to find yourselves deeply in love the next day.
“Companionate love leaves the intense emotions behind and instead puts you on the path to an even-keeled, life-long pair bond with your very best friend,” Brooks said.
Brooks, who also co-authored Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier with Oprah Winfrey, said that the benefits of companionate love are significant.
Data shows that spouses who view each other as best friends are less likely to divorce and more likely to be happy, healthy and satisfied with their lives, he said.
“As spouses age, companionate love is a strong predictor of aging gracefully and well,” he told Newsweek. “No marriage worth its salt should overlook this goal.”
For parents who go through a gray divorce—when parents divorce after children leave home—spouses feel they no longer know each other. Brooks explained that this happens because couples, amidst the hustle of raising kids, forget to prioritize friendship.
Aly Bullock, head of relationships at dating app Paired (paired.com), said that being best friends with your spouse fosters respect for each other’s time, space and parenting style, which might be lacking in a solely passionate relationship.
“With parenthood comes a redefinition of self, and a best friend is someone who walks alongside you through that transition and helps make the best of it, whereas a passionate lover may say, ‘Things are changing, it’s time to move on,'” Bullock told Newsweek.
Although she believes a relationship can be both passionate and companionate love, parents need to make space and time for romance, but the foundation of friendship is vital for a smooth transition to parenthood.
“When you have that foundation of best friendship… you know you’ve got that steady rock, and that kind of love is the kind that can withstand everything,” she said.
For parents needing to refine the companionate element of their relationship, Brooks advised scheduling thirty minutes each day to talk about your day, worries or interests with each other.
” Never stop knowing your spouse in a spirit of friendship, and you’ll be far happier while raising your children and when they leave the house,” he said.