A mother is appealing for advice online after she revealed her husband is discouraging her from spending one-on-one time with their biological child.
The 32-year-old mom took to Reddit as ThrowRABetxxy this week to share that her 37-year-old husband wants her focus to stay on their two stepchildren, whose biological mother is no longer in the picture.
Adoption Hopes
The original poster (OP) described a blended household in which she has raised the children since they were very young.
Despite her efforts to bond individually with each child—including dedicated time with the stepchildren doing what they love—she said her husband has been increasingly resistant to her doing the same with their shared biological child.
“He does not want me to carve out this time for one-on-one time with our child like I do with my stepkids,” the OP told Redditors.
“He said he’s hoping my stepkids will want to be adopted by me and to do that we need to focus on that relationship.”
Stock photo/Getty Images
User ThrowRABetxxy expressed concern that if her stepchildren never refer to her as “mom” or ask to be adopted, her husband might continue to deprioritize their shared child.
“He acts like me spending time with just our child is somehow wrong,” she said, adding that he refuses to attend couples therapy.
Several Reddit users responded with alarm, suggesting the father’s position might damage their biological child’s sense of self and security.
“You need to make time for your bio kid and that’s a non-negotiable if he wants the marriage to work,” one supporter advised.
“Because if this is hill to die on, you will get more time with your kid in the divorce and you will spend no time with your step kids.”
Husband’s Shift
Another person offered their opinion: “So he wants you to eventually alienate your bio child and favor your stepchildren. The easy answer is to just tell him no and stick to it.”
The OP said the couple’s previous conversations with the children’s therapists had emphasized letting the children lead in determining how they see her, including correcting others who call her “mom.”
She said they were advised not to pressure the kids, or demonize their biological mother, a path the husband now seems to want to shift away from without openly admitting it.
Psychologist Patricia Papernow, an award-winning expert on blended families and author, told Newsweek that from both research and her own clinical experience, it is, “very clear that BOTH warm, strong, parent-child relationships and positive stepparent-child relationships are important in stepfamilies.
“Their ‘ours’ child definitely needs time with her mommy (and daddy),” Papernow continued, “And her stepdaughter needs to feel still welcome and part of the family.
“And one of the very best ways to build a relationship with her stepdaughter is to spend one-to-one time with her doing fun things they both enjoy. BOTH are important.
“I don’t know how this got framed as either/or—either my child or my stepchild. It’s both!”
The emotional toll on their marriage may stem in part from a lack of communication.
In another interview with Newsweek, dating coach Sabrina Zohar pointed to the value of asking, “Do you want comfort, or solutions?” as a way to support partners during hard conversations.
“You’re allowing your partner to feel seen, heard and understood,” Zohar said.
Marital Test
User ThrowRABetxxy admitted that she feels isolated in their parenting decisions and confused by her husband’s resistance.
The mom replied in the thread that she will try therapy again and see if he will join her.
“I guess it gives me a pretty firm answer about how this will go if he won’t show up,” she remarked.
Newsweek has contacted ThrowRABetxxy for comment via Reddit.
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